Silent Thief

Growing up as a shy kid in a social society was difficult to an extent that sometimes I felt isolated. Although during early time I had high confidence in myself, but somehow it just took me a long time to adapt. Later on Around sixth grade I started to have trouble to go to sleep, and for some reason even though I was tired my brain just would not shut off. I spent during lunch break observing other kids from a higher ground trying to understand what makes them feel so genuinely happy? Sometimes I forced smiles to convince myself that I was happy. I faked for a long time. Until not too long that I felt tired of spending all my energy on faking so I realized that it’s unhealthy and so I stopped. I started loosing friends rapidly, and my tolerance just went so low that I realized or assumed that people see me even weirder now than before. I had trouble to concentrate in class so I realized I should go to my college counselor to figure out a way to improve my attention. The first step was hard. I had many doubts and God knows how hard it is to admit that I am broken because that is how it felt like. Sessions after others and my counselor told me I have symptoms for ADD so I had to go see a psychiatrist. I did and let me tell you that in the first session there are multiple questions given to you to see what kind of criteria in mental illness you fall. I was shocked when my psychiatrist told me that I had all symptoms for depression. It hit me hard. This was the confirmation that there is something wrong, and I was denying it for too long. Nothing major has happened to make me depressed. Depression comes in all forms. Mine was genetic. When I opened up to family and friends they thought that I am unappreciative of life. It was frustrating that close people to me misunderstood me. How can a person with positive mindset, have high conviction, and so cheerful be depressed?

“Why are you depressed?”, “There is no reason for you to be depressed.” Those comments are hurtful because I can’t just explain that it is the way it is. Some people distanced themselves thinking it might be contagious or something. From my point of view I’m better off to get rid of people with such ignorance.

The moral story of this is that even though I’m a cheerful person, and nothing bad has ever happened, Alhamdullah, but depression creeped up on me like any genetic illness does and it stole my time away that I could’ve spent enjoying.

However, I am looking at the bright side and honestly I am grateful to have it because it taught me through insomnia to have deep thoughts and get into philosophy world and be more religious. It also helped me be creative in my writing through journaling. In addition, the most important factor is that it taught me to have healthy relationship with others and how to keep toxic relationships away.

Alhamdullah for everything, God gives us hardship to learn from it and grow to be better people.